The Power of Regret

I live my life pretty powerfully aligned with the philosophy of ‘no regrets’.

That means:

1) Everything I’ve ever done/experienced has lead me to where I am now, the person I am continuously unfolding into, so therefore, there is no point regretting anything, because I could not be this person without those experiences.

2) There is no point regretting, because what’s done is done. Better to make changes for the future to rectify any current uncomfortable situations rather than rolling around in a past that can never be changed.

3) Live truthfully now, in alignment with your fullest desires. Take a chance that scares the hell out of you, because who the hell wants to end up eighty asking themselves ‘but what if?’

HOWEVER

I have had (correction, HAD. I’ve done some serious torch shining on that shit in the past week), for a number of years now, a deep, gnawing regret that made itself a dream marriage with a debilitating, correlating fear relating to the future. This regret and fear were setting up camp, making themselves well and truly heard in relation to anything to do around my career as a creative; an actor, performer and creator of new work.

Not only were they telling me that I’d waited too long to study, that I was now too old (at 27), that it wasn’t certain I’d ever be able to offer my creative gift to the world… and even if I could, how, HOW was I going to make that happen????!!!! But through their presence and power, I felt totally debilitated and too demorilised to go out and MAKE my dreams actually happen.

Total self-fulfilling prophesy self sabotage shit going on there!

So, I’ve been doing this daily, seven week workbook course with a friend. The workbook is called ‘Calling in “The One”‘, and is an AMAZING book (by Katherine Woodward Thomas) that takes you deep into looking at your belief systems and behavioral patterns that sabotage you actually having healthy and fulfilling intimate relationships.

Day thirty-something asks you to look at the regrets you have. Seeing as I live my life in a way that is in total creation of a regret free life, I couldn’t really find any.

Except that ONE.

That big

ONE.

Glaring at me disapprovingly down its long nose which was attached to its strong sense of superiority.

The one that had been sitting so heavy on my shoulders and gnawing out my belly for YEARS… God, the ENDLESS hours spent obsessing over ‘if I had just started school when I was 22, no, 21, instead of 25… if I had just gone straight to arts school, instead of avoiding FULL COMMITMENT by going to Uni… If I’d studied while I was in Edinburgh, instead of just living…’ and then the flip side would kick in ‘and HOW am I going to make my stuff happen? Everyone says it’s so hard to be an artist,. Everyone struggles to be an actor… but I don’t want to ONLY act, I want to perform, I want to create my own company. I want to tour internationally. I want to write films and act in them.. but my acting teacher says you can ONLY be an actor, and that no-one takes people seriously if they’re trying to do everything. But I LIKE being creative through various mediums, it comes naturally…. but what if? What if..? WHAT IF I CAN’T OFFER MY CREATIVE GIFT TO THE WORLD???!! IT’S THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO GIVE! What if… what if I can’t be ME? What if I end up working in a cafe for the rest of my life?! Or worse. In an office job. I think I would shrivel up and die inside. Then die outside as well…’

And on and on and on and on and ON!

Yes, I am dramatic.

POINT.

So I’m looking at all of this, considering the fact that I have wanted this for so long (precocious  six year old Courtney announces to Halsted family gathering

“I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up. I’m going to be an ACTOR!” Throws hands in the air dramatically….

One Aunt says laconically

“Yes, that does seem like something Courtney would do…”)

I’m considering the POWER and the WEIGHT and the DEBILITATION I have felt from all of this regret and anxiety about the future.

And I think to myself…

“There is no way I could have been wanting this for SO LONG, with so much passion and from such a place of deep yearning if it wasn’t a true desire. If it wasn’t a part of my life purpose. If it wasn’t actually coming from my essence. The reason all of this hurts so much is because It’s the truth of myself and my purpose SCREAMING to get out. If this is my essence, then I am THAT right now, AND it’s who I am meant to be in the future.

“Not only is that who I am meant to be, ergo, I can create that myself, but the universe always aligns to help people to be in their essence of who they are. So it stands to reason that all the forces outside of myself will help me be the person I am meant to be. AND my whole intention of using my creativity and performance and media, is that I use them as tools to help wake people up on this planet. Awaken consciousness, reconnect people to their truth and humanity.  The universe always helps people help others, so OF COURSE I’m going to be able to make all of this happen. OF COURSE I’m going to be fully supported by the universe and people around me to manifest my dreams of AWESOMENESS!”

It was a truly powerful and pivotal moment in my life, releasing something that had held me in its teeth so tightly for far too long. What I felt was deep relief and an absolute trust, the likes of which I don’t know that I have felt before, ever.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

Not only that, but

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT RIGHT NOW.

The evidence of this world as an abundant one, supporting people to be that which they truly are (which we sometimes run away from for a long while… I did. I realised a few days before this realisation I’m writing about that for YEARS I had been fully committed to not being committed to anything… for fear of being trapped and loosing my freedom. This also meant not committing to my career or meaningful relationships) Is that in the three days following this realisation,

I was contacted out of the blue by one of Melbourne’s biggest casting agencies to come and audition to be on their books (I didn’t apply for this, it just came from nowhere)

I was put on the books by said agency

I was offered work doing a commercial through a totally different agency I hadn’t done anything with in over a year

I was offered a free ticket to a show at the Melbourne Festival (my favorite time of year for the inspiration it creates in me, and something I hadn’t attended this year due to lack of funds).

I found someone to mentor me as a theatre maker

I decided to do a government program next year, which will fund me to live for a year so I can do a Cert IV in business and set myself up as a creative artist, with a strong, grounded business sense.

I received an invitation from a friend of a friend to come and act in his theatre company next year.

AND

I got an offer from a friend to exhibit an installation I did, a film I’ve just finished making AND perform at an installation space he is creating later in the year.

Being in alignment feels so good, and it feels good because when you’re there, everything flows.

These emotions and feelings that we quite often spend so much energy trying to run away from or suppress can hold the keys to our empowerment.

In my case, they weren’t there to tell me to cower down and find a different career path;

They were there to tell me that this is absolutely MEANT to be my career path.

Sometimes, all it takes is looking at something from a slightly different angle for the terror to become the gold. The bliss. the absolute trust and relief that everything is

WORKING OUT JUST THE WAY YOUR HEART WANTS IT TO.

Hoorah for that!

🙂

 

If you got something out of this, please feel free to share it with others. 🙂

Playing the Mother and Mr Nice Guy: the veils of delusion that pose as compassion.

 

It’s taken me a good few days of brewing before actually putting this blog out there into cyber land. About a week actually. I think there are a couple of reasons for this.

No 1. It is, undeniably, a rant. Though I think an intelligent and worth reading one! 🙂 I clearly enjoyed writing it and venting my frustration in regards to these energies!

No 2. By putting this out there into the world at large I am SERIOUSLY calling myself into stepping up into fully walking the talk. I can’t espouse this and that and blahdiblahblah if I’m not fully embodying that and expressing it. On some level I think I knew that and was a bit trepidatious about it.

It was so interesting to me that after writing up this piece during the week, the next day I had a situation come up with a friend where, in order to be honest, I had to call them on some behaviour that was frustrating me.

I really didn’t want to.

All my feelings of guilt and of being too much, not having a right to my needs being heard, came up. It reminded me of why sometimes it’s hard to call our loved ones back into truth, to not play the Mother or the Nice Guy. Ultimately this comes back to it being a constant coming back to the truth in one’s self. Of not playing those roles to the self to our detriment. They’re such easy roles to fall into because they’re both such well worn shoes, so often worn by our society and culture.

I’m trying to change that in myself at least, but that takes constant awareness and bravery. It takes constant forgiveness to and gentleness for myself when I don’t meet my own standards of super human strength (so rediculous). It also requires a level of tolerance and patience and extra dedication when that same commitment challenges the people outside. Allowing them to have their perceptions and triggers, loving them through that, whilst still staying true to what is within me.

Man, that’s a big, tall and rewarding order!

Anyhow, those are my reflections on what is to come in the following paragraphs. I hope it gives you something that will benefit you.

Much love to all.

Xx

Firstly I’m just going to put it out there that I’m feeling particularly fiery today. It’s just that time of the month where my tolerance for BS (Bullshit? No, my housemate re-named it Belief Systems! So good!) is at ZERO.

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So please keep that in mind while you’re reading and make allowances for me if you find me hitting your buttons a little too hard.

So. As the NotesOn project is really about human story, struggle and growth, I’m just going to write about anything that I feel comes under that banner:

Struggle, Growth, Realisation

and not exclusively E.D.s, as I feel that they are a specific manifestation of something even more universal. While The E.D. Book (go to ‘How to Get Involved’ if you want to share your story and be apart of the book project) is specifically about E.D.s, the NotesOn project is an all encompassing in terms of the dark night of the soul, the ways of coming through it and the lessons and musings from the other side (or during).

BTW feel free to argue the above statement. I like to be illuminated and quite often that comes through challenge.

There has been some talk around me in the last week (and I have been seeing it come up in myself, which is probably why I am listening to it so closely), around the ways in which delusion – arising as a means not to look at the deeper levels within ones self – can pose as compassion for another.

I am thinking specifically of a good friend being told by another “You’ve played the nice guy for way too long.” This thing of “I’m not going to stand up powerfully and call the other on their bullshit behaviour and patterns because that’s not ‘nice’ ”

Bow BOOW!!

Red light flashes, you’re down 100 points AND as we used to say in one of my childhood theatre sports games….

You’re out of the game!

Or thinking of myself (to a much lesser extent than I have in past), playing the Mother role to others. Nurturing them, holding space for them – which can be beautiful and loving – but when I look very deeply SOMETIMES what is there (along with a genuine desire to help and love my friends – it’s not as though two or more intentions or motivations can’t exist simultaneously), is that I am surrendering all of my energy to another without being fully present to my needs, or to what my boundaries are, or to what my voice needs to share. Part of that is quite simply about putting the focus on the other person so as not to have to look at my own stuff.

Not only is that cowardly and bullshit and also manipulative (while deserving of compassion and patience because it comes from a place of fear and vulnerability), it is also detrimental to the other person who you’re ‘caring’ for. It creates a sort of energetic hierarchy and dependence. It stops the other person from being autonomous, standing up and taking responsibility for themselves and being empowered.

I hear a lot of people reading this saying “oh no, that’s not why I do that.”

Really?

Are you SURE?

Look deep.

This is not to exclude the good intentions that may also be there, or to foster a sense of cynicism. It is to highlight the aspects that may not be so in integrity. Maybe you’re fully in integrity and Truth and realisation and to those people I say

Thank you for helping the rest of us to be greater people through your example and offerings of self!

But most of us aren’t there yet and personally, the more I learn, the more I realise there is to learn so lets keep looking at this thing…

An example of this mothering/nice guy/girl thing in action:

Your friend comes to you and says “I’m feeling shit/sad/angry because of blah blah blah”

You counter that statement by trying to make them feel better and giving them a lecture on how they should be seeing the situation. You think you’re helping that person, but actually what you’re trying to do is FIX them, solve the problem rather than allowing them to express what it is they need to express and be free of it. You’re negating their experience and emotions and probably, without meaning to, making them feel judged and needing of your approval.

And actually, the reason you’re doing this ‘fixing’ thing is because YOU feel uncomfortable with their pain and/or whatever it is they’ve brought up. You’re trying to fix them isn’t actually coming from a place of trying to help them, but trying to stifle your own feelings of discomfort.

Then there’s another angle.

Say they’ve acted out of integrity, and they’re sharing the story with you. They may or may not realise that they’ve acted out of integrity but on some level (both of) you know they have. Probably you know this because you feel a bit squirmy and uncomfortable with the story they’re sharing. They might even acknowledge that they were in the wrong. But you, wanting to make them ‘feel better’ verbally pat them on the head and say “no, you didn’t act badly. You did the best you could. The other person is in the wrong/is an arsehole/a bitch/they deserved it.”

Well guess what?

You’re acting as a poor friend and a bad mother because in trying to be ‘compassionate’ and ‘nurture’ that person you are actually not only allowing, but encouraging that person to roll around in the pig shit pen of their own delusions. You’re helping them to continue on in the crappy mental habit patterns which are creating suffering FOR THEM and THEN for others around them.

Real compassion would say

“Yeah, you were not acting in integrity, and you can rectify that situation AND I still love you and accept you on your journey of realisation and discovery.”

THAT’S love.

Supporting each other in the most allowing, non-judgemental and yet honest way to be the best we can possibly be. That starts with recognising your own sub-conscious mental/emotional manure (it’s the best for growing the garden of wisdom!).

Now, this isn’t a call to righteously go around calling people on all their issues as though God or whoever descended from the clouds and personally appointed you with an indiscriminate ‘wake the fuck up stick’ – that would be an egotistical mission and would be harmful not only to the other person, but ultimately yourself… you might possibly find yourself deeper and deeper entrenched in patterns of righteous arrogance and resentful judgement of people’s humanity and vulnerabilities. I know I’ve been there. I’m planning on not going back there any time soon.

This is calling people, and always yourself primarily, in a discerning and sensitive way WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE. I.e when it affects you and/or if your relationship is of the nature that you know that person would welcome that (loving) feedback from you.

It is also about releasing the conditional nature of the giving of that gift of realisation. Once you offer that insight to someone, it is NOT up to you if they receive it or not. It is not up to you how quickly they become aware of their detrimental mental programming. Once you give any kind of gift to someone, it is no longer up to you what they do with it. This phrase of ‘you just need to own your own shit’, (well yes, I am very guilty of using that one.) can be a bit comand-y/demand-y AND is ultimately true. However I have learnt the very very hard way in the past just how damaging it can be to other people to try and force them to see, and acknowledge, the aspects of themselves they are simply not ready for yet.

Both this last one, the letting go of controlling someone else’s journey and also the understanding of what is appropriate when, are MASSIVE adventures that we all have to take and fuck up on a few good times in order to really get it down. Ultimately it all comes back to your own relationship with yourself… How much you try and control and stifle your own inherent impulses and how loving and accepting you are with your own human, fallible nature.

So, as I’ve already rabbited on about already, TRUE compassion can only ever be practiced when you are first in compassion with yourself. Sometimes, being in this state means not playing ‘the nice guy’, or the ‘gentle nurturing mother’ to someone, when actually what you need to do is stand up for yourself, your truth and needs. It means standing by yourself (as in ‘I’ll stand by you… i’ll staaaand by you… won’t let nobody huuurt you….’ As well as in ‘on one’s own’) and your convictions in the face of someone (possibly) not liking what you’re saying… and who knows, they might actually be grateful for what you’re sharing and respect you more for your strength and self trust.

Mr Nice Guy and the Sweet Nice Girl

Sometimes the people who identify predominately as ‘nice’ people, have a hard time with this radical self-compassion for their own shadow.

*Note this is not a reference to the friend I mentioned earlier! 🙂

Generally, Mr Nice Guy/Sweet Nice Girl, is living a state of deep discomfort and low self esteem with who they are. And by being ‘nice’, they are trying to receive the approval of those around them in order to have the reassurance that yes, you are ok and accepted and ALLOWED just to be.

With such low self-esteem, the very notion that they may be behaving in a manipulative, controlling or condescending manner is just way too much to handle. The self judgement at the realisations of these behaviours (and behaviours/programmings are not the sum total of identity. We are beyond these things, proven simply by the fact that we can change them, even if you don’t believe in anything beyond the mental/emotional/physical) would be so extreme that it may take them far too long to come back from the judgement hole they would resultantly probably order themselves into. To actively look at your own detrimental interactive habit patterns, and then acknowledge them, seems totally destroying to an already underdeveloped and unhealthy ego.

I guess in these kinds of situations, it’s all about brining yourself back to humility. Back to the recognition that, hey, you’re human. You make mistakes JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, and you don’t need to be perfect (perfectionism, a classic E.D. trait!). Operating from this armoured place of
“I’m nice and I can’t be in the wrong, because I never behave in ‘un-nice’ ways”, means you are never open to a dialogue with another. You are unable to see the treasure trove of learning (and sometimes pain) within and then grow.

In this case, Mr Nice Guy and Sweet Nice Girl are treating themselves in exactly the same way as I was discussing earlier with the ways in which people can be ‘compassionate’ with their friends, family and partners. They probably treat their friends in this same manner as well… gently stroking the forehead of the conscious self and lulling it into an apathetic sleep of
“it’s ok, don’t look inside, there’s nothing to worry about in there. You’re NICE. It’s the outside world you’ve got to worry about.”

Seriously?!

Ok. If you think you don’t have anything inside to look at then

1) You’re enlightened and good for you and THANK YOU for the way in which you radiate love and consciousness out into the world

or

2) You’re seriously kidding yourself.

WE’VE ALL GOT STUFF!

The mark of a great, humble, self and other loving human being is the ability to see that stuff, admit it, have compassion and patience for it being there and then move through it.

Playing the Mother, Mr Nice Guy/Sweet Nice Girl to yourself and others, doesn’t serve or help you or anyone else.

It’s not love, and it’s certainly not compassion.

Often the dark night of the soul – manifested in many ways, e.g E.D.s – is your psyche drawing you, pulling you over the broken glass and rusted nails of denial and unintegrated pain, back to the truth of who you are. Back to the heart of your essence and your true wants and desires and needs. Back to your gift to the world!

The dark night of the soul, usually felt as the confrontation with our inner demons or ‘shit’ (in actual fact, our greatest tools!), can – if you surrender to it’s lessons – bring you face to face with who you truly are. Being there can allow you to develop deepest compassion for the person you find there. Real compassion. Compassion based in truth, love and integrity. Not the delusion masquerading as compassion – an escape route from actually seeing what is really going on.

Through developing fierce love and compassion for ourselves through truth and acknowledgement, breaking the mental/emotional chains that bind us, we can then cultivate and practice true love and compassion for others. Not just play it.