The Power of Regret

I live my life pretty powerfully aligned with the philosophy of ‘no regrets’.

That means:

1) Everything I’ve ever done/experienced has lead me to where I am now, the person I am continuously unfolding into, so therefore, there is no point regretting anything, because I could not be this person without those experiences.

2) There is no point regretting, because what’s done is done. Better to make changes for the future to rectify any current uncomfortable situations rather than rolling around in a past that can never be changed.

3) Live truthfully now, in alignment with your fullest desires. Take a chance that scares the hell out of you, because who the hell wants to end up eighty asking themselves ‘but what if?’

HOWEVER

I have had (correction, HAD. I’ve done some serious torch shining on that shit in the past week), for a number of years now, a deep, gnawing regret that made itself a dream marriage with a debilitating, correlating fear relating to the future. This regret and fear were setting up camp, making themselves well and truly heard in relation to anything to do around my career as a creative; an actor, performer and creator of new work.

Not only were they telling me that I’d waited too long to study, that I was now too old (at 27), that it wasn’t certain I’d ever be able to offer my creative gift to the world… and even if I could, how, HOW was I going to make that happen????!!!! But through their presence and power, I felt totally debilitated and too demorilised to go out and MAKE my dreams actually happen.

Total self-fulfilling prophesy self sabotage shit going on there!

So, I’ve been doing this daily, seven week workbook course with a friend. The workbook is called ‘Calling in “The One”‘, and is an AMAZING book (by Katherine Woodward Thomas) that takes you deep into looking at your belief systems and behavioral patterns that sabotage you actually having healthy and fulfilling intimate relationships.

Day thirty-something asks you to look at the regrets you have. Seeing as I live my life in a way that is in total creation of a regret free life, I couldn’t really find any.

Except that ONE.

That big

ONE.

Glaring at me disapprovingly down its long nose which was attached to its strong sense of superiority.

The one that had been sitting so heavy on my shoulders and gnawing out my belly for YEARS… God, the ENDLESS hours spent obsessing over ‘if I had just started school when I was 22, no, 21, instead of 25… if I had just gone straight to arts school, instead of avoiding FULL COMMITMENT by going to Uni… If I’d studied while I was in Edinburgh, instead of just living…’ and then the flip side would kick in ‘and HOW am I going to make my stuff happen? Everyone says it’s so hard to be an artist,. Everyone struggles to be an actor… but I don’t want to ONLY act, I want to perform, I want to create my own company. I want to tour internationally. I want to write films and act in them.. but my acting teacher says you can ONLY be an actor, and that no-one takes people seriously if they’re trying to do everything. But I LIKE being creative through various mediums, it comes naturally…. but what if? What if..? WHAT IF I CAN’T OFFER MY CREATIVE GIFT TO THE WORLD???!! IT’S THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO GIVE! What if… what if I can’t be ME? What if I end up working in a cafe for the rest of my life?! Or worse. In an office job. I think I would shrivel up and die inside. Then die outside as well…’

And on and on and on and on and ON!

Yes, I am dramatic.

POINT.

So I’m looking at all of this, considering the fact that I have wanted this for so long (precocious  six year old Courtney announces to Halsted family gathering

“I’ve decided what I want to be when I grow up. I’m going to be an ACTOR!” Throws hands in the air dramatically….

One Aunt says laconically

“Yes, that does seem like something Courtney would do…”)

I’m considering the POWER and the WEIGHT and the DEBILITATION I have felt from all of this regret and anxiety about the future.

And I think to myself…

“There is no way I could have been wanting this for SO LONG, with so much passion and from such a place of deep yearning if it wasn’t a true desire. If it wasn’t a part of my life purpose. If it wasn’t actually coming from my essence. The reason all of this hurts so much is because It’s the truth of myself and my purpose SCREAMING to get out. If this is my essence, then I am THAT right now, AND it’s who I am meant to be in the future.

“Not only is that who I am meant to be, ergo, I can create that myself, but the universe always aligns to help people to be in their essence of who they are. So it stands to reason that all the forces outside of myself will help me be the person I am meant to be. AND my whole intention of using my creativity and performance and media, is that I use them as tools to help wake people up on this planet. Awaken consciousness, reconnect people to their truth and humanity.  The universe always helps people help others, so OF COURSE I’m going to be able to make all of this happen. OF COURSE I’m going to be fully supported by the universe and people around me to manifest my dreams of AWESOMENESS!”

It was a truly powerful and pivotal moment in my life, releasing something that had held me in its teeth so tightly for far too long. What I felt was deep relief and an absolute trust, the likes of which I don’t know that I have felt before, ever.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

Not only that, but

EVERYTHING IS PERFECT RIGHT NOW.

The evidence of this world as an abundant one, supporting people to be that which they truly are (which we sometimes run away from for a long while… I did. I realised a few days before this realisation I’m writing about that for YEARS I had been fully committed to not being committed to anything… for fear of being trapped and loosing my freedom. This also meant not committing to my career or meaningful relationships) Is that in the three days following this realisation,

I was contacted out of the blue by one of Melbourne’s biggest casting agencies to come and audition to be on their books (I didn’t apply for this, it just came from nowhere)

I was put on the books by said agency

I was offered work doing a commercial through a totally different agency I hadn’t done anything with in over a year

I was offered a free ticket to a show at the Melbourne Festival (my favorite time of year for the inspiration it creates in me, and something I hadn’t attended this year due to lack of funds).

I found someone to mentor me as a theatre maker

I decided to do a government program next year, which will fund me to live for a year so I can do a Cert IV in business and set myself up as a creative artist, with a strong, grounded business sense.

I received an invitation from a friend of a friend to come and act in his theatre company next year.

AND

I got an offer from a friend to exhibit an installation I did, a film I’ve just finished making AND perform at an installation space he is creating later in the year.

Being in alignment feels so good, and it feels good because when you’re there, everything flows.

These emotions and feelings that we quite often spend so much energy trying to run away from or suppress can hold the keys to our empowerment.

In my case, they weren’t there to tell me to cower down and find a different career path;

They were there to tell me that this is absolutely MEANT to be my career path.

Sometimes, all it takes is looking at something from a slightly different angle for the terror to become the gold. The bliss. the absolute trust and relief that everything is

WORKING OUT JUST THE WAY YOUR HEART WANTS IT TO.

Hoorah for that!

🙂

 

If you got something out of this, please feel free to share it with others. 🙂