Feminine and Masculine: Perfectionism, Control and Needs.

The perfectionist and control freak play a huge role in the embodying of disordered eating behaviour. It is these qualities that require that you be a high achiever, the thinnest person in the room, be in total control of your diet or punish yourself if you loose that fascist like control. It requires that you not be too much, don’t be too sexually demanding, and most certainly NEVER have a negative emotion.

To paraphrase Dr Anita Johnson from her excellent book (perhaps the best I have read thus far on the subject) ‘Eating in the Light of the Moon’, an eating disorder can demonstrate an unhealthy and overbearing masculine aspect trying to be in complete control of it’s reflectively unhealthy feminine aspect.

What does this mean?

To define my terms ‘Masculine’ and ‘Feminine’ I do not mean ‘man’ and ‘woman’. I mean Shiva and Shakti of the Hindu Tantric traditions. I mean the Yin and the Yang of the Tao. I mean the Animus and Anima of Jungian psychology.

I mean

Feminine: flow, feeling, intuition, what is physical and energetic… what when out of balance can be the total chaos of an emotional ocean.

Masculine: consciousness, perception, groundedness, centredness, insight, structure… what, when there is too much of it can turn into control freakism, judgement, lack of empathy and spontaneity.

Every man and woman and person in between on the planet embodies both of these qualities to one extent or another. They are internal attitudes and influences as WELL as existing outside of us in the world we live in.

(If you want to learn more about the Masculine and Feminine, I highly recommend David Deida as a great and accessible place to start.)

In terms of disordered eating (or insert favourite avoidance mechanism here…… drugs, alcohol, sex, Facebook, video games, TV etc etc etc) you could say the feminine is the emotion/feeling arising and the controlling, perfectionist masculine is the mentality that tries to control those feelings by smothering them with food. Or by starving them away. By purging until your physical insides feel as empty as you want your emotional insides to feel. Or by compulsively exercising until you’ve burnt every last calorie you could possibly have consumed that day. It is the unhealthy masculine that tries to control your experience of life rather than just allowing you to be in that experience. To feel it.

ANYWAY

Bringing it right on back to my original point.

Over controlling masculine. Unexpressed feminine.

So, about a month ago, I was reading Dr Anita Johnson’s book and considering some of the many pearls of wisdom within. This one regarding the masculine and feminine within really spoke to me. On a day when I was feeling rather overwhelmed and anxious about not being ‘successful’, not being ‘perfect’ and ‘in control’ of my career and (apparently) my body, I decided to have a three way conversation between my feminine, my masculine and whoever the ‘myself’ is who watches the rest of me rise to the surface of awareness.

Walking in the freakishly warm Melbourne winter sunshine, I checked in with what I was feeling in regards to these two.

I felt my masculine self in total control mode, trying to structure the emotions and feelings arising from my feminine self (I’m going to refer to them as ‘he’ and ‘she’ for convenience sake – I’m a lazy typer). My feminine was feeling anxious, out of control, pressured, afraid, and all of that whirlwind of emotion (which is energy, which is power and therefore POWERFUL) was really frightening and incomprehensible to my masculine. He was trying to make order out of what she was feeling, control it, shut it down, and the more he did so, the more she screamed in pain at her feelings not being heard and acknowledged.

Through all my years of meditation – especially my Vipassana practice – and trying to practice conscious relating with those around me, I have really come to understand that one of the base needs of everything/everyone (including all the sub-personalities that make up our whole personality) is quite simply to be heard and acknowledged. When we shut others down or shut down the voice within ourselves that is screaming to have its needs heard, we inadvertently create a pressure cooker situation. The lid of silence is covering that voice, but the force of energy and desire for itself to be heard grows and grows and grows until that lid bursts off – the pressure cooker explodes. And then, instead of having a tasty home cooked meal of wisdom, self-realisation, ease and joy, you’ve got pain, resentment, projections and blame splattered all over the walls. Eewk!

It was quite funny that in my mind’s eye, when I saw him he looked like an ex partner who had been very controlling and invasive. I made a note of how my mind was representing my own inner masculine to me and tried to move past any feelings of rejection I had towards him. I could see that he was afraid. That was why he was going into control mode.

So I asked him

“Hey masculine consciousness. What do you NEED right now in order to feel relaxed, nourished and acknowledged?”

He looked at me and said, sighing deeply that I had asked him what he needed, rather than told him how to be (it all comes down to needs)…

“I need to be able to understand”.

Oh. That’s pretty easy. He just needs to be able to understand what is going on over there with the feminine.

I turned to her and asked

“Did you hear that?”

“Yes. But he can’t have that. I don’t trust him! He’s poked and prodded and whipped me and been hard on me for so long. He’s tried to force me to share my feelings with him instead of just letting me express them when I was ready. I’m not going to give that to him.”

Woah!

This, for some strange reason surprised me. I guess I expected to have more difficulty with the part of myself that was being all controlling. But really, it wasn’t surprising as everything she said had been true… I’ve spent so long being hard on myself, trying to control myself into being the ‘perfect me’, of being capable of doing everything and anything at once (and then collapsing in a heap at the end). It’s no wonder she didn’t trust that it was safe to open up her most vulnerable parts to him.

I asked her

“What do you need to feel trusting?”

“Time. Space. I need him to allow me to be me. I need him to allow me to feel the things that I feel. I need him to allow my feelings to be valid. I need proof that he will be this way with me and only then will I open up and be trusting of him.”

At that moment my inner masculine’s appearance transformed and took on an appearance that looked more like what I guess I would look like if I were a guy with a massive beard. He became a healthy masculine figure.

He communicated to her that he was going to do his upmost facilitate these things for her and that he loved her. That he would wait patiently, on her terms, for the day she was ready to fully open up to him.

He, I, was letting go of the need to control the feminine self, letting go of the need to be ‘perfect’ (which is an unattainable state by most people’s standards and therefore a way of creating self-sabotage and misery in one’s life… how can you ever be good enough in your own eyes if you can never live up to your own (unrealistic) standards?).

By checking in with the needs of my inner self, represented through my masculine and feminine, I was able to come to a place of understanding in how to treat myself better. I was able to trust myself and be more fully present in the ocean of emotion that was arising. Because I understood that there was a part of myself that was trying to be heard through the expression of these feelings I could be more patient and compassionate towards myself. And, by listening to what my feminine had to say, I was able to fully hear the wisdom she had to share, the inner truth that only I can access for myself, and from that wisdom make my thoughts and actions align in a way that was/is of greater benefit for my happiness and well being.

It has taken a few weeks of me consciously creating regular dialogue between them, but I can feel that she has opened to him now. There is a love and harmony between them. I feel more unified, balanced and connected. I am patient if I feel the control and the perfectionist clicking into go mode and can quickly as these different parts of myself what their needs are in order that they can be heard and acted upon.

That, essentially, is what I believe most disordered mental and behavioural patterns come down to… they are the manifestation of some part of us, somewhere deep inside, trying to make its voice heard that it’s basic needs can be acknowledged. That it too can feel that it is important, loved and cared for.

That’s what we all want. We have to do it for ourselves first.

xx.

Woman Essence: Sexuality and the Body.

Today I want to write about a realisation I had during the week.

It’s about beauty and worth and the intrinsic nature of these two in regards to the ‘Woman Essence’ (a controversial topic for some feminists and gender studies academics!).

I’ve been doing a ‘conscious erotic dance journey for women’ called ‘Dancing Eros’, run by the amazing and FULL POWER Vanessa Florence (find out more here: http://vanessa-florence.com/offerings/events/). This course is really all about connecting with your own pleasure through spontaneous, un- choreographed dance, expressing that primarily for YOU. The extension of this as a practice is  then consciously remaining in that pleasure and inner impulse while with eye contact, offering it to another woman in the group (or to your partner at home, if that is your situation). It is astoundingly powerful and transformational stuff to be witnessed in your pleasure, beauty, femininity and self-expression in a totally loving, allowing and empowered sacred space. The opportunity to be able to offer that as a GIFT in it’s pure raw form, and also to have it received FULLY is a rare treasure indeed.

Anyhow, I’ve done quite a bit of  work  like this before (around sexuality and sacred sexuality), which been integral to my E.D. recovery, but this has been a deepening and flourishing of that laid and still being paved road. Being in this course has reminded me (in a western culture – Australia – where I am bombarded daily with billboards and advertising depicting malnourished women – well, at least, ONE TYPE OF WOMAN – as the ideal of beauty and female sexuality) that there are so many billions of bodies out there. That there are just as many different ways of expressing beauty, femininity, pleasure, sexuality, emPOWERment and the Divine. And the special thing about that is the uniqueness of each one. To witness someone truly deeply in the expression of their personal essence… you can never see that again with ANYONE else. Only that person. Only this one person can express THEM, and that is what is sacred.

In seeing this in the outer, it has brought me, or reminded me (especially in the days I forget), that I also have a unique and divine beauty and sexuality and for me to be in, dance in and express that – sharing it as an offering from self to another – is one of the greatest gifts I could give anyone. It is one of the greatest gifts that person could give me in receiving it in full conscious presence (I know I’m repeating myself, but roll with me, I’m getting seriously enthusiastic and passionate here!).

SO. For a very brief time I (was) seeing this lovely young man who I became quite smitten with. I can be quite the dreamer and yes, I have amazing visualisation skills when it comes to building castles in the sky! Anyhow, I got all excited about this course and wanted to share it with him. So I texted said young man, offering him a private dance viewing should he ‘ask nicely’….

Cue crickets chirping in empty night air.

….

I didn’t hear back.

well, not at least until the night of the next day. What I got was a

”Haha. I’m going to see the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra with a friend. How cultured!”

?????????

Ummm, excuse me, the woman you’ve been chasing for the last few weeks offers you a sexy dance show and you say what now?!

I’m an Aries. I’m pretty fiery.  I’m also pretty aware, so I didn’t just vomit my spleen all over him. This is how it looked.

Courtney internally :

FUCK YOU! Don’t you REALISE that I just offered to share my SEXUALITY, my ESSENCE with you and you’ve just friekin blown it off like I DON’T MATTER??!!!! I MATTER damn it!

Courtney in rational Non Violent Communication speak (aka, how the conversation actually looked):

Hey yeah, so about the text, I just wanted to let you know I felt a bit dismissed and brushed off and unimportant…

Courtney Internally:

And fat and un-beautiful and undesirable and undesired by the person whose clothes I just want to tear off with my teeth while they throw me onto the bed…

Courtney in conscious non-blame non-explosive speak (aka, real time):

And I just wanted to let you know it was a really big thing for me to offer that to someone, so if you feel like it’s too overwhelming, please just communicate that to me in the future, rather than nothing, so I have less room to go into rejection.

….

From his side he’s just young and inexperienced and didn’t realise what a massive thing for me (and many women I believe) to get up in front of a man and dance my sexuality for him where my whole body can be scrutinised completely. That I wasn’t just offering my body or my rhythm or my joy, but my essence as a woman.

By the way… we’ll get to the essence stuff later, I’m using the definition before I’ve even come to the part where I fully realise it. Bear with me and my non-linear concept defining story-telling-incorporating!

ALL of my body stuff came up. I had sexuality and body rubber band snap back. I looked in the mirror and what I saw was an Au size 10 Courtney walrus!

Oh my god! Just LOOK at those THIGHS! (my mentally weakest body part) Wow Courtney, you really need to go for a run! You’ve really let yourself go! You know, you looked WAY better last year when you were still on 800 calories a day…

(FAAARKED UUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!)

It’s been quite some time since I’ve had these thoughts, but they all came up this one day. And of course, it wasn’t about my body. I was no bigger than the day before when I felt great. What it was was my feelings of rejection and unacknowledgement towards my feminine self, her sexuality rising up and manifesting in body hatred. For so long I have unconsciously drawn men into my life who don’t fully see me, so therefore don’t see my beauty and therefore don’t make me FEEL like I’m seen as beautiful or desired. I just started to believe that I wasn’t those things.

So I got thinking. What do I need right now?

Answer: to be (if I am going to be) in partnership with a man who sees me in that way and makes me feel those things. This is an actual need for me in relationship.

And if not (and as well as), to see myself that way, helped by surrounding myself with the people who love me who see me that way.

I felt a little bit… hmm, at odds with the ‘feminist’ inside myself. Why? WHY do I need to feel these things? Um, hello media and billboards and 1% of the woman body type being represented in advertising as the unattainable ideal. Is THAT what I wanted?

No. I wanted (want) to be seen AS MYSELF and for THAT to be perceived as beautiful and desirable.

I realised that for so long, women have been objectified for their beauty and their sexuality. As a way of breaking from that objectifiaction, many women – well, I can only speak for myself so ME – told themselves/myself that it was WRONG to need to been seen as beautiful and desirable to a man. I alienated myself from the NEED to feel that way. But actually that beauty, that feminine sexuality in the many different ways she manifests herself, is at the core of what it means to be a woman.  You’re not wanting to be seen as a doll,or a picture – not something lifeless and untouchable but beautiful; but something whole and living and breathing and complex. Something that is ever growing and changing and UNIQUE. Someone who is the embodiment and aliveness of these qualities (and many others), not just a voiceless inanimate object. As YOURSELF. WOMAN! Woman is powerful and amazing and totally sexual. Women are the bearers of life. That creative life force energy is sexual energy, so how can being in your woman essence POSSIBLY be separated from your sexuality and beauty (it is always there in it’s different representations) ?? It’s given to you by nature from before birth!

Through being unacknowledged in the essence of what I am as a woman (and triggered so deeply back into disordered body thoughts), I was able to acknowledge it as a truth at the core of my being. My uniqueness and my sexuality are a part of what makes me beautiful. Acknowledging that myself, and bringing into my life those who see that in me is not only deeply healing in my relationship to my body, but to my complete and total empowerment, joy, happiness, fulfillment and love.