Feminine and Masculine: Perfectionism, Control and Needs.

The perfectionist and control freak play a huge role in the embodying of disordered eating behaviour. It is these qualities that require that you be a high achiever, the thinnest person in the room, be in total control of your diet or punish yourself if you loose that fascist like control. It requires that you not be too much, don’t be too sexually demanding, and most certainly NEVER have a negative emotion.

To paraphrase Dr Anita Johnson from her excellent book (perhaps the best I have read thus far on the subject) ‘Eating in the Light of the Moon’, an eating disorder can demonstrate an unhealthy and overbearing masculine aspect trying to be in complete control of it’s reflectively unhealthy feminine aspect.

What does this mean?

To define my terms ‘Masculine’ and ‘Feminine’ I do not mean ‘man’ and ‘woman’. I mean Shiva and Shakti of the Hindu Tantric traditions. I mean the Yin and the Yang of the Tao. I mean the Animus and Anima of Jungian psychology.

I mean

Feminine: flow, feeling, intuition, what is physical and energetic… what when out of balance can be the total chaos of an emotional ocean.

Masculine: consciousness, perception, groundedness, centredness, insight, structure… what, when there is too much of it can turn into control freakism, judgement, lack of empathy and spontaneity.

Every man and woman and person in between on the planet embodies both of these qualities to one extent or another. They are internal attitudes and influences as WELL as existing outside of us in the world we live in.

(If you want to learn more about the Masculine and Feminine, I highly recommend David Deida as a great and accessible place to start.)

In terms of disordered eating (or insert favourite avoidance mechanism here…… drugs, alcohol, sex, Facebook, video games, TV etc etc etc) you could say the feminine is the emotion/feeling arising and the controlling, perfectionist masculine is the mentality that tries to control those feelings by smothering them with food. Or by starving them away. By purging until your physical insides feel as empty as you want your emotional insides to feel. Or by compulsively exercising until you’ve burnt every last calorie you could possibly have consumed that day. It is the unhealthy masculine that tries to control your experience of life rather than just allowing you to be in that experience. To feel it.

ANYWAY

Bringing it right on back to my original point.

Over controlling masculine. Unexpressed feminine.

So, about a month ago, I was reading Dr Anita Johnson’s book and considering some of the many pearls of wisdom within. This one regarding the masculine and feminine within really spoke to me. On a day when I was feeling rather overwhelmed and anxious about not being ‘successful’, not being ‘perfect’ and ‘in control’ of my career and (apparently) my body, I decided to have a three way conversation between my feminine, my masculine and whoever the ‘myself’ is who watches the rest of me rise to the surface of awareness.

Walking in the freakishly warm Melbourne winter sunshine, I checked in with what I was feeling in regards to these two.

I felt my masculine self in total control mode, trying to structure the emotions and feelings arising from my feminine self (I’m going to refer to them as ‘he’ and ‘she’ for convenience sake – I’m a lazy typer). My feminine was feeling anxious, out of control, pressured, afraid, and all of that whirlwind of emotion (which is energy, which is power and therefore POWERFUL) was really frightening and incomprehensible to my masculine. He was trying to make order out of what she was feeling, control it, shut it down, and the more he did so, the more she screamed in pain at her feelings not being heard and acknowledged.

Through all my years of meditation – especially my Vipassana practice – and trying to practice conscious relating with those around me, I have really come to understand that one of the base needs of everything/everyone (including all the sub-personalities that make up our whole personality) is quite simply to be heard and acknowledged. When we shut others down or shut down the voice within ourselves that is screaming to have its needs heard, we inadvertently create a pressure cooker situation. The lid of silence is covering that voice, but the force of energy and desire for itself to be heard grows and grows and grows until that lid bursts off – the pressure cooker explodes. And then, instead of having a tasty home cooked meal of wisdom, self-realisation, ease and joy, you’ve got pain, resentment, projections and blame splattered all over the walls. Eewk!

It was quite funny that in my mind’s eye, when I saw him he looked like an ex partner who had been very controlling and invasive. I made a note of how my mind was representing my own inner masculine to me and tried to move past any feelings of rejection I had towards him. I could see that he was afraid. That was why he was going into control mode.

So I asked him

“Hey masculine consciousness. What do you NEED right now in order to feel relaxed, nourished and acknowledged?”

He looked at me and said, sighing deeply that I had asked him what he needed, rather than told him how to be (it all comes down to needs)…

“I need to be able to understand”.

Oh. That’s pretty easy. He just needs to be able to understand what is going on over there with the feminine.

I turned to her and asked

“Did you hear that?”

“Yes. But he can’t have that. I don’t trust him! He’s poked and prodded and whipped me and been hard on me for so long. He’s tried to force me to share my feelings with him instead of just letting me express them when I was ready. I’m not going to give that to him.”

Woah!

This, for some strange reason surprised me. I guess I expected to have more difficulty with the part of myself that was being all controlling. But really, it wasn’t surprising as everything she said had been true… I’ve spent so long being hard on myself, trying to control myself into being the ‘perfect me’, of being capable of doing everything and anything at once (and then collapsing in a heap at the end). It’s no wonder she didn’t trust that it was safe to open up her most vulnerable parts to him.

I asked her

“What do you need to feel trusting?”

“Time. Space. I need him to allow me to be me. I need him to allow me to feel the things that I feel. I need him to allow my feelings to be valid. I need proof that he will be this way with me and only then will I open up and be trusting of him.”

At that moment my inner masculine’s appearance transformed and took on an appearance that looked more like what I guess I would look like if I were a guy with a massive beard. He became a healthy masculine figure.

He communicated to her that he was going to do his upmost facilitate these things for her and that he loved her. That he would wait patiently, on her terms, for the day she was ready to fully open up to him.

He, I, was letting go of the need to control the feminine self, letting go of the need to be ‘perfect’ (which is an unattainable state by most people’s standards and therefore a way of creating self-sabotage and misery in one’s life… how can you ever be good enough in your own eyes if you can never live up to your own (unrealistic) standards?).

By checking in with the needs of my inner self, represented through my masculine and feminine, I was able to come to a place of understanding in how to treat myself better. I was able to trust myself and be more fully present in the ocean of emotion that was arising. Because I understood that there was a part of myself that was trying to be heard through the expression of these feelings I could be more patient and compassionate towards myself. And, by listening to what my feminine had to say, I was able to fully hear the wisdom she had to share, the inner truth that only I can access for myself, and from that wisdom make my thoughts and actions align in a way that was/is of greater benefit for my happiness and well being.

It has taken a few weeks of me consciously creating regular dialogue between them, but I can feel that she has opened to him now. There is a love and harmony between them. I feel more unified, balanced and connected. I am patient if I feel the control and the perfectionist clicking into go mode and can quickly as these different parts of myself what their needs are in order that they can be heard and acted upon.

That, essentially, is what I believe most disordered mental and behavioural patterns come down to… they are the manifestation of some part of us, somewhere deep inside, trying to make its voice heard that it’s basic needs can be acknowledged. That it too can feel that it is important, loved and cared for.

That’s what we all want. We have to do it for ourselves first.

xx.