Playing the Mother and Mr Nice Guy: the veils of delusion that pose as compassion.

 

It’s taken me a good few days of brewing before actually putting this blog out there into cyber land. About a week actually. I think there are a couple of reasons for this.

No 1. It is, undeniably, a rant. Though I think an intelligent and worth reading one! 🙂 I clearly enjoyed writing it and venting my frustration in regards to these energies!

No 2. By putting this out there into the world at large I am SERIOUSLY calling myself into stepping up into fully walking the talk. I can’t espouse this and that and blahdiblahblah if I’m not fully embodying that and expressing it. On some level I think I knew that and was a bit trepidatious about it.

It was so interesting to me that after writing up this piece during the week, the next day I had a situation come up with a friend where, in order to be honest, I had to call them on some behaviour that was frustrating me.

I really didn’t want to.

All my feelings of guilt and of being too much, not having a right to my needs being heard, came up. It reminded me of why sometimes it’s hard to call our loved ones back into truth, to not play the Mother or the Nice Guy. Ultimately this comes back to it being a constant coming back to the truth in one’s self. Of not playing those roles to the self to our detriment. They’re such easy roles to fall into because they’re both such well worn shoes, so often worn by our society and culture.

I’m trying to change that in myself at least, but that takes constant awareness and bravery. It takes constant forgiveness to and gentleness for myself when I don’t meet my own standards of super human strength (so rediculous). It also requires a level of tolerance and patience and extra dedication when that same commitment challenges the people outside. Allowing them to have their perceptions and triggers, loving them through that, whilst still staying true to what is within me.

Man, that’s a big, tall and rewarding order!

Anyhow, those are my reflections on what is to come in the following paragraphs. I hope it gives you something that will benefit you.

Much love to all.

Xx

Firstly I’m just going to put it out there that I’m feeling particularly fiery today. It’s just that time of the month where my tolerance for BS (Bullshit? No, my housemate re-named it Belief Systems! So good!) is at ZERO.

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So please keep that in mind while you’re reading and make allowances for me if you find me hitting your buttons a little too hard.

So. As the NotesOn project is really about human story, struggle and growth, I’m just going to write about anything that I feel comes under that banner:

Struggle, Growth, Realisation

and not exclusively E.D.s, as I feel that they are a specific manifestation of something even more universal. While The E.D. Book (go to ‘How to Get Involved’ if you want to share your story and be apart of the book project) is specifically about E.D.s, the NotesOn project is an all encompassing in terms of the dark night of the soul, the ways of coming through it and the lessons and musings from the other side (or during).

BTW feel free to argue the above statement. I like to be illuminated and quite often that comes through challenge.

There has been some talk around me in the last week (and I have been seeing it come up in myself, which is probably why I am listening to it so closely), around the ways in which delusion – arising as a means not to look at the deeper levels within ones self – can pose as compassion for another.

I am thinking specifically of a good friend being told by another “You’ve played the nice guy for way too long.” This thing of “I’m not going to stand up powerfully and call the other on their bullshit behaviour and patterns because that’s not ‘nice’ ”

Bow BOOW!!

Red light flashes, you’re down 100 points AND as we used to say in one of my childhood theatre sports games….

You’re out of the game!

Or thinking of myself (to a much lesser extent than I have in past), playing the Mother role to others. Nurturing them, holding space for them – which can be beautiful and loving – but when I look very deeply SOMETIMES what is there (along with a genuine desire to help and love my friends – it’s not as though two or more intentions or motivations can’t exist simultaneously), is that I am surrendering all of my energy to another without being fully present to my needs, or to what my boundaries are, or to what my voice needs to share. Part of that is quite simply about putting the focus on the other person so as not to have to look at my own stuff.

Not only is that cowardly and bullshit and also manipulative (while deserving of compassion and patience because it comes from a place of fear and vulnerability), it is also detrimental to the other person who you’re ‘caring’ for. It creates a sort of energetic hierarchy and dependence. It stops the other person from being autonomous, standing up and taking responsibility for themselves and being empowered.

I hear a lot of people reading this saying “oh no, that’s not why I do that.”

Really?

Are you SURE?

Look deep.

This is not to exclude the good intentions that may also be there, or to foster a sense of cynicism. It is to highlight the aspects that may not be so in integrity. Maybe you’re fully in integrity and Truth and realisation and to those people I say

Thank you for helping the rest of us to be greater people through your example and offerings of self!

But most of us aren’t there yet and personally, the more I learn, the more I realise there is to learn so lets keep looking at this thing…

An example of this mothering/nice guy/girl thing in action:

Your friend comes to you and says “I’m feeling shit/sad/angry because of blah blah blah”

You counter that statement by trying to make them feel better and giving them a lecture on how they should be seeing the situation. You think you’re helping that person, but actually what you’re trying to do is FIX them, solve the problem rather than allowing them to express what it is they need to express and be free of it. You’re negating their experience and emotions and probably, without meaning to, making them feel judged and needing of your approval.

And actually, the reason you’re doing this ‘fixing’ thing is because YOU feel uncomfortable with their pain and/or whatever it is they’ve brought up. You’re trying to fix them isn’t actually coming from a place of trying to help them, but trying to stifle your own feelings of discomfort.

Then there’s another angle.

Say they’ve acted out of integrity, and they’re sharing the story with you. They may or may not realise that they’ve acted out of integrity but on some level (both of) you know they have. Probably you know this because you feel a bit squirmy and uncomfortable with the story they’re sharing. They might even acknowledge that they were in the wrong. But you, wanting to make them ‘feel better’ verbally pat them on the head and say “no, you didn’t act badly. You did the best you could. The other person is in the wrong/is an arsehole/a bitch/they deserved it.”

Well guess what?

You’re acting as a poor friend and a bad mother because in trying to be ‘compassionate’ and ‘nurture’ that person you are actually not only allowing, but encouraging that person to roll around in the pig shit pen of their own delusions. You’re helping them to continue on in the crappy mental habit patterns which are creating suffering FOR THEM and THEN for others around them.

Real compassion would say

“Yeah, you were not acting in integrity, and you can rectify that situation AND I still love you and accept you on your journey of realisation and discovery.”

THAT’S love.

Supporting each other in the most allowing, non-judgemental and yet honest way to be the best we can possibly be. That starts with recognising your own sub-conscious mental/emotional manure (it’s the best for growing the garden of wisdom!).

Now, this isn’t a call to righteously go around calling people on all their issues as though God or whoever descended from the clouds and personally appointed you with an indiscriminate ‘wake the fuck up stick’ – that would be an egotistical mission and would be harmful not only to the other person, but ultimately yourself… you might possibly find yourself deeper and deeper entrenched in patterns of righteous arrogance and resentful judgement of people’s humanity and vulnerabilities. I know I’ve been there. I’m planning on not going back there any time soon.

This is calling people, and always yourself primarily, in a discerning and sensitive way WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE. I.e when it affects you and/or if your relationship is of the nature that you know that person would welcome that (loving) feedback from you.

It is also about releasing the conditional nature of the giving of that gift of realisation. Once you offer that insight to someone, it is NOT up to you if they receive it or not. It is not up to you how quickly they become aware of their detrimental mental programming. Once you give any kind of gift to someone, it is no longer up to you what they do with it. This phrase of ‘you just need to own your own shit’, (well yes, I am very guilty of using that one.) can be a bit comand-y/demand-y AND is ultimately true. However I have learnt the very very hard way in the past just how damaging it can be to other people to try and force them to see, and acknowledge, the aspects of themselves they are simply not ready for yet.

Both this last one, the letting go of controlling someone else’s journey and also the understanding of what is appropriate when, are MASSIVE adventures that we all have to take and fuck up on a few good times in order to really get it down. Ultimately it all comes back to your own relationship with yourself… How much you try and control and stifle your own inherent impulses and how loving and accepting you are with your own human, fallible nature.

So, as I’ve already rabbited on about already, TRUE compassion can only ever be practiced when you are first in compassion with yourself. Sometimes, being in this state means not playing ‘the nice guy’, or the ‘gentle nurturing mother’ to someone, when actually what you need to do is stand up for yourself, your truth and needs. It means standing by yourself (as in ‘I’ll stand by you… i’ll staaaand by you… won’t let nobody huuurt you….’ As well as in ‘on one’s own’) and your convictions in the face of someone (possibly) not liking what you’re saying… and who knows, they might actually be grateful for what you’re sharing and respect you more for your strength and self trust.

Mr Nice Guy and the Sweet Nice Girl

Sometimes the people who identify predominately as ‘nice’ people, have a hard time with this radical self-compassion for their own shadow.

*Note this is not a reference to the friend I mentioned earlier! 🙂

Generally, Mr Nice Guy/Sweet Nice Girl, is living a state of deep discomfort and low self esteem with who they are. And by being ‘nice’, they are trying to receive the approval of those around them in order to have the reassurance that yes, you are ok and accepted and ALLOWED just to be.

With such low self-esteem, the very notion that they may be behaving in a manipulative, controlling or condescending manner is just way too much to handle. The self judgement at the realisations of these behaviours (and behaviours/programmings are not the sum total of identity. We are beyond these things, proven simply by the fact that we can change them, even if you don’t believe in anything beyond the mental/emotional/physical) would be so extreme that it may take them far too long to come back from the judgement hole they would resultantly probably order themselves into. To actively look at your own detrimental interactive habit patterns, and then acknowledge them, seems totally destroying to an already underdeveloped and unhealthy ego.

I guess in these kinds of situations, it’s all about brining yourself back to humility. Back to the recognition that, hey, you’re human. You make mistakes JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, and you don’t need to be perfect (perfectionism, a classic E.D. trait!). Operating from this armoured place of
“I’m nice and I can’t be in the wrong, because I never behave in ‘un-nice’ ways”, means you are never open to a dialogue with another. You are unable to see the treasure trove of learning (and sometimes pain) within and then grow.

In this case, Mr Nice Guy and Sweet Nice Girl are treating themselves in exactly the same way as I was discussing earlier with the ways in which people can be ‘compassionate’ with their friends, family and partners. They probably treat their friends in this same manner as well… gently stroking the forehead of the conscious self and lulling it into an apathetic sleep of
“it’s ok, don’t look inside, there’s nothing to worry about in there. You’re NICE. It’s the outside world you’ve got to worry about.”

Seriously?!

Ok. If you think you don’t have anything inside to look at then

1) You’re enlightened and good for you and THANK YOU for the way in which you radiate love and consciousness out into the world

or

2) You’re seriously kidding yourself.

WE’VE ALL GOT STUFF!

The mark of a great, humble, self and other loving human being is the ability to see that stuff, admit it, have compassion and patience for it being there and then move through it.

Playing the Mother, Mr Nice Guy/Sweet Nice Girl to yourself and others, doesn’t serve or help you or anyone else.

It’s not love, and it’s certainly not compassion.

Often the dark night of the soul – manifested in many ways, e.g E.D.s – is your psyche drawing you, pulling you over the broken glass and rusted nails of denial and unintegrated pain, back to the truth of who you are. Back to the heart of your essence and your true wants and desires and needs. Back to your gift to the world!

The dark night of the soul, usually felt as the confrontation with our inner demons or ‘shit’ (in actual fact, our greatest tools!), can – if you surrender to it’s lessons – bring you face to face with who you truly are. Being there can allow you to develop deepest compassion for the person you find there. Real compassion. Compassion based in truth, love and integrity. Not the delusion masquerading as compassion – an escape route from actually seeing what is really going on.

Through developing fierce love and compassion for ourselves through truth and acknowledgement, breaking the mental/emotional chains that bind us, we can then cultivate and practice true love and compassion for others. Not just play it.

Feminine and Masculine: Perfectionism, Control and Needs.

The perfectionist and control freak play a huge role in the embodying of disordered eating behaviour. It is these qualities that require that you be a high achiever, the thinnest person in the room, be in total control of your diet or punish yourself if you loose that fascist like control. It requires that you not be too much, don’t be too sexually demanding, and most certainly NEVER have a negative emotion.

To paraphrase Dr Anita Johnson from her excellent book (perhaps the best I have read thus far on the subject) ‘Eating in the Light of the Moon’, an eating disorder can demonstrate an unhealthy and overbearing masculine aspect trying to be in complete control of it’s reflectively unhealthy feminine aspect.

What does this mean?

To define my terms ‘Masculine’ and ‘Feminine’ I do not mean ‘man’ and ‘woman’. I mean Shiva and Shakti of the Hindu Tantric traditions. I mean the Yin and the Yang of the Tao. I mean the Animus and Anima of Jungian psychology.

I mean

Feminine: flow, feeling, intuition, what is physical and energetic… what when out of balance can be the total chaos of an emotional ocean.

Masculine: consciousness, perception, groundedness, centredness, insight, structure… what, when there is too much of it can turn into control freakism, judgement, lack of empathy and spontaneity.

Every man and woman and person in between on the planet embodies both of these qualities to one extent or another. They are internal attitudes and influences as WELL as existing outside of us in the world we live in.

(If you want to learn more about the Masculine and Feminine, I highly recommend David Deida as a great and accessible place to start.)

In terms of disordered eating (or insert favourite avoidance mechanism here…… drugs, alcohol, sex, Facebook, video games, TV etc etc etc) you could say the feminine is the emotion/feeling arising and the controlling, perfectionist masculine is the mentality that tries to control those feelings by smothering them with food. Or by starving them away. By purging until your physical insides feel as empty as you want your emotional insides to feel. Or by compulsively exercising until you’ve burnt every last calorie you could possibly have consumed that day. It is the unhealthy masculine that tries to control your experience of life rather than just allowing you to be in that experience. To feel it.

ANYWAY

Bringing it right on back to my original point.

Over controlling masculine. Unexpressed feminine.

So, about a month ago, I was reading Dr Anita Johnson’s book and considering some of the many pearls of wisdom within. This one regarding the masculine and feminine within really spoke to me. On a day when I was feeling rather overwhelmed and anxious about not being ‘successful’, not being ‘perfect’ and ‘in control’ of my career and (apparently) my body, I decided to have a three way conversation between my feminine, my masculine and whoever the ‘myself’ is who watches the rest of me rise to the surface of awareness.

Walking in the freakishly warm Melbourne winter sunshine, I checked in with what I was feeling in regards to these two.

I felt my masculine self in total control mode, trying to structure the emotions and feelings arising from my feminine self (I’m going to refer to them as ‘he’ and ‘she’ for convenience sake – I’m a lazy typer). My feminine was feeling anxious, out of control, pressured, afraid, and all of that whirlwind of emotion (which is energy, which is power and therefore POWERFUL) was really frightening and incomprehensible to my masculine. He was trying to make order out of what she was feeling, control it, shut it down, and the more he did so, the more she screamed in pain at her feelings not being heard and acknowledged.

Through all my years of meditation – especially my Vipassana practice – and trying to practice conscious relating with those around me, I have really come to understand that one of the base needs of everything/everyone (including all the sub-personalities that make up our whole personality) is quite simply to be heard and acknowledged. When we shut others down or shut down the voice within ourselves that is screaming to have its needs heard, we inadvertently create a pressure cooker situation. The lid of silence is covering that voice, but the force of energy and desire for itself to be heard grows and grows and grows until that lid bursts off – the pressure cooker explodes. And then, instead of having a tasty home cooked meal of wisdom, self-realisation, ease and joy, you’ve got pain, resentment, projections and blame splattered all over the walls. Eewk!

It was quite funny that in my mind’s eye, when I saw him he looked like an ex partner who had been very controlling and invasive. I made a note of how my mind was representing my own inner masculine to me and tried to move past any feelings of rejection I had towards him. I could see that he was afraid. That was why he was going into control mode.

So I asked him

“Hey masculine consciousness. What do you NEED right now in order to feel relaxed, nourished and acknowledged?”

He looked at me and said, sighing deeply that I had asked him what he needed, rather than told him how to be (it all comes down to needs)…

“I need to be able to understand”.

Oh. That’s pretty easy. He just needs to be able to understand what is going on over there with the feminine.

I turned to her and asked

“Did you hear that?”

“Yes. But he can’t have that. I don’t trust him! He’s poked and prodded and whipped me and been hard on me for so long. He’s tried to force me to share my feelings with him instead of just letting me express them when I was ready. I’m not going to give that to him.”

Woah!

This, for some strange reason surprised me. I guess I expected to have more difficulty with the part of myself that was being all controlling. But really, it wasn’t surprising as everything she said had been true… I’ve spent so long being hard on myself, trying to control myself into being the ‘perfect me’, of being capable of doing everything and anything at once (and then collapsing in a heap at the end). It’s no wonder she didn’t trust that it was safe to open up her most vulnerable parts to him.

I asked her

“What do you need to feel trusting?”

“Time. Space. I need him to allow me to be me. I need him to allow me to feel the things that I feel. I need him to allow my feelings to be valid. I need proof that he will be this way with me and only then will I open up and be trusting of him.”

At that moment my inner masculine’s appearance transformed and took on an appearance that looked more like what I guess I would look like if I were a guy with a massive beard. He became a healthy masculine figure.

He communicated to her that he was going to do his upmost facilitate these things for her and that he loved her. That he would wait patiently, on her terms, for the day she was ready to fully open up to him.

He, I, was letting go of the need to control the feminine self, letting go of the need to be ‘perfect’ (which is an unattainable state by most people’s standards and therefore a way of creating self-sabotage and misery in one’s life… how can you ever be good enough in your own eyes if you can never live up to your own (unrealistic) standards?).

By checking in with the needs of my inner self, represented through my masculine and feminine, I was able to come to a place of understanding in how to treat myself better. I was able to trust myself and be more fully present in the ocean of emotion that was arising. Because I understood that there was a part of myself that was trying to be heard through the expression of these feelings I could be more patient and compassionate towards myself. And, by listening to what my feminine had to say, I was able to fully hear the wisdom she had to share, the inner truth that only I can access for myself, and from that wisdom make my thoughts and actions align in a way that was/is of greater benefit for my happiness and well being.

It has taken a few weeks of me consciously creating regular dialogue between them, but I can feel that she has opened to him now. There is a love and harmony between them. I feel more unified, balanced and connected. I am patient if I feel the control and the perfectionist clicking into go mode and can quickly as these different parts of myself what their needs are in order that they can be heard and acted upon.

That, essentially, is what I believe most disordered mental and behavioural patterns come down to… they are the manifestation of some part of us, somewhere deep inside, trying to make its voice heard that it’s basic needs can be acknowledged. That it too can feel that it is important, loved and cared for.

That’s what we all want. We have to do it for ourselves first.

xx.